Getting started

We all have to start somewhere right? I know this seems like an obvious question, but the answer isn’t always as clear. I mean, it’s a question that I’ve struggled with for a very long time. Where is this starting line? Did I miss it? Is this line the same for everyone? Honestly, it has taken me years to really start to figure this out, and it seems as though only by self-actualization, has my real journey begun.

Where do I start hmmm.. I’m not going to give a complete back ground of where I’m from, and why I believe the things I do. At least not right now, that would be more info than any stranger would be willing to read. My aim in this post is to just talk about my reasons for starting this blog, and what I’m looking to accomplish from it. With that being said I’m going to go back in my time machine, and talk a little about myself. I am on the edge of 30, basically I’m the older part of the millennial crowd. I didn’t grow up being latched to a computer/technology, or feeling entitled like the world assumes. I grew up in a small town in the midwest, with two other siblings. We didn’t have much growing up, and I like so many came from a dysfunctional/broken home. This is important, because who you are as a person emotionally can be traced directly back to your life growing up. Even though I was the youngest sibling, I was by far the most responsible one. I was the caring, empathetic one in my family unit, so this in turn made me feel the need to fix things. I ladies and gentlemen became a fixer. Fixers want to help, they want to make things better, and obviously they try to fix things that are damaged. In my mind I couldn’t distinguish why this was so horribly wrong for me to do. I later through many bad experiences with toxic family members discovered that this would be the number one detriment to my success as a person.

I’m going to spare a lot of  the details, because honestly the details aren’t as important, as the lessons I learned. A year ago almost to this day are when things really started to shift for me. I felt unhappy with myself, frustrated, and I couldn’t figure out why. Something inside felt dead. I felt unsure of myself, and definitely unsure of the life choices I had made. I was constantly, and consistently putting others needs above my own. Something I had an extremely difficult time understanding. For what I had always been told since childhood was to take care of others. I would meditate on this, and ask myself, if putting other’s needs before my own is what we are supposed to do, why am I so unhappy? The answer came to me in the form of my now best friend. There is a strange story between us, one I won’t get into at the moment, but her appearance in my life was no coincidence. She, I truly believe came into my life so that I could see what was wrong with my ways of thinking. Life is too short to be miserable.. period. As our friendship grew, I began to share more about the things that were making me feel terrible. One day it came to a head. I was talking to her about my relationship with my family, and she went off on me. I hadn’t expected that reaction, but it was the reaction I had needed. It shocked me into reality. To make a long story short, she helped me figure out what I needed to do to step away from that set of toxic relationships. In that I started to realize my life was worth more than what I had ever thought.

Where am I going with all of this? It sometimes takes an action greater than we believe we can handle to get to better places. I obviously know I’m still a constant work in progress, and I don’t have everything figured out, but that was my starting line. I feel like the last year, as terrible as most of it was, it was a chance to start over, do things differently. So that brings me here. Fear is a bitch, it tricks you into believing that you can’t dream the impossible, or do what you feel in your heart is your calling, because you’ll never be as good as this person or that. I don’t want to let the fear take the wheel. This hasn’t been working for me the past 29 years of my life, so I want to take a shot at this blogging thing, and see where it goes. I want to share my thoughts on things, and maybe by some miracle someone else will read it, and be like “damn I really enjoyed reading this” or maybe it will stir up a good conversation. That is my goal for this anyway, and hopefully in the process, I will learn more, and enjoy the ride as well.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to where this blog will take me. Thank you for taking the time to read a blurp of this random strangers life. Have an amazing day, and always know that your starting line,like mine can be anywhere!


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